That was a stupid move :/

I posted last Sunday that I was feeling at peace, and boy have I paid for making that statement! Monday and Tuesday went on like normal.  Then came Wednesday and Thursday...

I cannot even pretend to know what some of my closest friends and their families were/are going through.  But my heart literally aches for them.  I have felt all week that I need to be doing something, but there is nothing that I can do, so I just prayed.  I begged God to wrap His arms around them in this tragic time and to give them the strength they need.  I just prayed...

Then Friday rolled around and brought with it an awesome case of the stomach flu 2 hours before I had to take my baby (who is growing WAY too fast for my liking) to his pre-k screening.  So add the stomach flu, getting slapped in the face with the reality that Brody is old enough for pre-k, and my raging hormones to an already awful week...you can guess my emotional state of mind by this point! The screening started out great, then turned awful when Brody went into "shut down" mode.  And this is what brought on the tears that I could no longer stop.  Thank God for my dear friend Krista, who got me outside before I had a complete meltdown.  Then my son proceeded to break my heart a little more on the way home when he said, "I'm sorry Mommy, I just got scared." :( Does pre-k mean that much? Am I worried about Brody not succeeding in school? Is it worth crying over? NO...but I emotionally couldn't take any more last week. Every female knows exactly what I mean!

Saturday...recovery day and uneventful (YAY!)

Which brings me to today. I finally got to get my arms around the people who have been on my mind so much this week and tell them how much I've been praying for them and that I will continue to pray for them. 

Do I think my week sucked? Yes.  Enough to dwell over? No...it could have been far worse. So I found myself constantly thanking God for all the blessings in my life.

But what I did more than anything this week was pray for those who have needed it the most and who will continue to need it.  So, if you read this, please say a little prayer for them.  I know God hears us and I know He will not leave them.

Crappy Blogger???

Yup ^^^ That's me :/  It has been quite a while since I sat down to let some things out.  Since we lost Drew to be exact...  

I got my 1st positive pregnancy test 3 days after we said those goodbyes, which was extremely early to even test, let alone get a positive! And as much as I miss Drew, I can't help but smile when I think of him now.  I feel like he is a part of this somehow.  That might make me crazy, but the timing of everything is so strange!

Anyway...being pregnant again is definitely exciting, but boy did I forget some of the wonderful things that come along with it! Just a little sarcasm in that statement ;) I'm 99.9% sure that this will be the last time I do this, so I'm trying not to wish it away. But I have been much sicker with this little bundle of joy than I was with my sweet Brody! I just want to be able to eat again.  I miss food dangit!!!

Today, I have had a wonderful day of doing absolutely nothing! It was fantastic! Normally when I have idle time, I dwell.  I'm a great dweller :( But today, I have just been content. I'm in a very peaceful place. Are there things that I want to change or that need fixed? Of course, but today I'm not dwelling.  I'm just being thankful for where I am, what I have, and who I've been blessed with in my life.  Hopefully this peaceful feeling continues, but who knows? Tomorrow is a Monday...

Normal?

I have been to many funerals and mourned the loss of those I love dearly. I have lost two grandparents of my own, a (step) grandmother, a grandmother of my husband, a cousin (cousin's husband) of my husband, an aunt of my husband, and I have seen tragedy strike with the death of a classmate/co-worker. I've attended many others, but these are the ones that stand out right now. Each of them saddened my heart and affected me in one way or another. In that list, are people that I think about often and miss very much.

That being said, yesterday was one of the hardest funerals I've ever had to attend. My heart hurt so much for myself, for my family, and for all of Drew's friends. But as I held onto my husband's arm. I could almost feel his pain too. I have seen Justin hurt before, but not like yesterday. His love for Drew was deep, and so is his pain. Justin and I had the honor of picking out Drew's final clothing. And while it was hard, it was also something we were happy to do for him. Justin also had the honor of helping to carry Drew to his final resting place...something that I know was extremely hard for him. I know that the healing must now start and that it will be a long process. I pray that God sends us comfort, but I am also saying extra prayers for God to give me the strength I need to help my husband heal.

This past week, my household was far from "normal." It was filled with dread for what we had to do on Saturday. It was busy while we prepared for company. It was excited when we finally got snow. It was broken hearted, yet filled with laughter from the memories that were shared. But now, my household, and many others who had similar weeks, must get back to "normal." Brody still doesn't know that Drew is gone. We decided that we will talk about it when he brings him up. While that may not be the best way to deal with it, that's how we decided to handle it. He was sheltered this weekend, while the rest of us said our goodbyes. I just don't know the words to say yet. However, Drew's truck was brought to our house today. It will be parked here for a little while. I haven't seen it out there yet and neither has Brody. But when we back out of the garage to leave in the morning, it will be there. I don't know if he will recognize it. I guess tomorrow will answer that question...

For Drew

I sat down this morning to journal out my feelings.  I figured I would write a letter to Drew, because I feel like I have a million things to tell him.  Instead, the letter turned into a poem.  I sometimes think I write poetry, because it challenges me to find the right words and the right rythm to make it flow.  I think if I write something challenging it takes my mind of the sadness I'm feeling. 

Anyway...this is what came out of my morning writing session.

My Front Door

If you walked through my front door right now, I'd give you the biggest hug.
I'd fuss over you like a mother hen, and you'd just laugh and shrug.
My fridge would have Mountain Dew in it, filled from the bottom to the top.
I'd force you to eat and ask to do your laundry, until you finally said, 'Stop!"

If you walked through my front door right now, Brody would light up and run to you.
I'd watch you laugh and play together, forever his "Stinkin' Drew."
You'd call him the best wingman ever and your laughs would fill the room.
But now this room is silent, and instead is filled with gloom.

If you walked through my front door right now, we'd laugh, and joke, and smile.
You'd sit down and tell your stories, and just hang out a while.
In your short, precious life, there were many demons you had to face.
If it were in my power, I'd lock my door and never let you leave our place.

If you walked through my front door right now, you'd find us sad and broken hearted.
A precious soul was taken from us, your life had barely started.
If you could see us right now, you'd tell us to just stop crying.
We would all put on brave faces, but we would just be lying.

If you walked through my front door right now, I'd jump for joy at the sight of you.
I wouldn't waste any time and just say what I needed to.
I'd tell you how important you are and how much I love you, Drew.
What a special place you hold in our lives, I can only hope you knew.

My front door will never open again, to see you standing there.
The reason, I guess we'll never know; the pain so much to bear.
My mind is full of memories; my heart is full of sorrow.
We will miss you more than words can say, and with each and every tomorrow.

Our hearts are sad and hurting, please watch over us every day.
Send us something to make us laugh, as that was always your way.
This heartache we will carry and remember forevermore.
But, oh what I wouldn't give, to see you walk through my front door.